


Solace in You

by Myri



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, punk!Haruka, punk!Makoto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 18:41:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5881465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myri/pseuds/Myri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The characters of Free! all deal with some sort of emotional trauma that places them in group therapy together. Keep reading to figure out how they ended up here!</p><p>I had this one already posted before but hated the way that it started! So I rewrote it and hope that it's a lot better than how it was before. Please comment and add any tips that you think I should know! I'm not that great of a writer so I'm sure there are plenty of errors because I really don't like editing, I just want to write fanfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

For as long as he could remember, Haruka was never wanted. He can still hear his father screaming that at him while he was kicking him in the stomach. This happened far too often for Haruka. For a while, school had been his safe place from flying fists. But that didn’t last for very long when the other kids would start to ignore him. The bigger guys would trap him in the locker room and beat the shit out of him while he couldn’t do anything about it. After years and years of torment, he felt dead inside, not that he particularly cared because he didn’t really feel emotionally hurt whenever his father would curse at him for being born. The only time he ever felt alive was when he was dragging something sharp over his body. The crimson tears the leaked out of his body reminded him he was still alive. He didn’t care about the scars because no one would ever get close to him to see them. Besides, they matched all the ones his father and classmates gave him daily.

Haruka knew he wasn’t wanted, and he didn’t mind, he didn’t want anyone either. But one fateful day, everything changed. A transfer student with fiery red hair and eyes and shark like teeth named Matsuoka Rin transferred into his class. He had only looked at him briefly before looking back out the window. He knew this boy would have to sit next to him because that was the only seat open. So when the new student loudly sat down next to him, he didn’t so much as look at him again. It only took a few minutes before the kid started talking to Haruka. Now this shocked him, were his ears playing tricks on him? He looked over at the new boy, and Rin just smiled at him and introduced himself again. Haruka had just muttered a simple ‘hi’ back at him and went back to staring out the window.

Rin had found a place inside of Haruka’s life that Haruka didn’t think ever could be there. He finally had a friend that seemed interested in actually talking to him. They would eat lunch together on the roof of the school. They would walk home together after classes ended. Haruka stayed over at Rin’s house way too often, just to escape the hell hole he called home. This went on for the majority of high school. After being friends with Rin for a year, he noticed that Rin found a new home inside Haruka that he definitely didn’t think existed. He decided that he was in love with Rin. On the day before graduation, they were hanging out in their favorite cafe. Haruka couldn’t hold his feelings any longer. As soon as he knew it, he had confessed to his first and only friend. He shut his eyes tightly afraid that he ruined everything before he felt soft lips touch his own. His eyes flew open immediately as Rin pulled away from him. “Bout damn time” was all that Rin would say on the matter, and so they started dating.

This was two years ago, he and Rin are both in college now. Haruka thinks that college is much better than high school was. Here no one tormented him as much as they used to. He still feels pretty dead inside, except that there is a slow, small fire within him that is his love for Rin. He still doesn’t love himself, still feels worthless and unwanted. He still drags his blade across his skin to feel alive. He remembers the first time that Rin had seen his scars, and the bruises left by his own father. All Rin did was kiss him everywhere and call him beautiful. Makes Haruka still smile to this day. Rin wishes he stops cutting, but he will never push Haruka, he wants him to change for himself, not Rin.

Haruka begins to notice a change in Rin, well he noticed it a while ago, but just assumed it was because they’re in college now. The change is starting to grow even more. Rin barely talks to him anymore and manages to find excuses not to see him. Such as “sorry training ran late, crashing at a teammate’s place” or “sorry I need to study for this test coming up, I’ll catch you some other time.” Haruka’s feelings of being unwanted came more often than they used to when he was together with Rin. Thoughts begin racing inside his mind.

‘ _He doesn’t want to be with me anymore_ ’

‘ _He thinks my scars are ugly_ ’

‘ _Why would anyone deal with me, I’m such a damaged person_ ’

On top of all of these worries, Haruka has class everyday for 7 hours, goes to work for another 5 hours, and stays up studying until the early morning. Most of the time he spends doing these activities he’s feeling depressed and thinks about why Rin was so distant these days. Soon he can barely even get himself out of bed in the morning. He stops showing up for his classes, except on rare occasions. He manages to make it to work, but he typically doesn’t really help out, just sits behind the counter of the bakery and dwell inside his mind. He isn’t surprised whenever his boss gets tired of paying him so lets him go. He doesn't even swim anymore. This has always been his one constant in life besides harming, but now it too is gone. Now all he does is sleep. More than occasionally he’s hurting himself just to feel something other than emotional hurt.

Haruka is lying in his bed, still in the clothes he had on three days ago, when he hears a knock on his apartment door. He no longer considers this Rin’s apartment because he’s never there anymore. He decides to just ignore the knocks and stays in his bed. The knocks get faster and harder. He finally sits up and gets off his bed. He makes his way slowly over to the door and opens it to find Rin standing there.

“Hey, Haru, sorry to wake you up, I just came by to get my stuff from the apartment..” Rin says quietly.

“Are you leaving for good?” Haruka says back in a dead voice.

“Yeah...I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just...I can’t do this anymore, Haru” Rin says as he swipes a hand shakily through his maroon hair, “I love you, but I can’t deal with your problems on top of mine. I’m so sorry, please don’t be upset. I just need to figure some things out.”

“Whatever, get your shit and leave” Haruka turns and walks back into his room, shutting the door behind him.

He gets back into bed. He can hear Rin in the next room packing up all of his things into a suitcase. He stares at his ceiling, feeling absolutely numb. He doesn’t even budge when he hears a slight knock on his bedroom door followed with a “Goodbye Haru.” He hears the front door shut behind his lover. ‘ _Well shit, there goes my last string to this god forsaken life_ ’ Haruka thought to himself.

He shoves himself off the bed and makes his way out of the room and towards the bathroom. He looks at himself in the mirror. Eyes sunken in, bones peeking out through his skin. He’s lost a lot of weight since he hasn’t been eating. It doesn’t matter to him anyways. He turns on the faucet to the bathtub, all the way hot, just the way he likes it. After the tub is full he turns the faucet off. As he goes to grab his blade, he notices Rin’s shark tooth necklace sitting on the sink. ‘ _Whatever, too bad for him, I won’t have the chance to give it back to him_ ’. After grabbing his blade, Haruka sinks into the hot water, not even bothering to take his clothes off. He seeks for comfort in his blade and slides it down his arm, deep and vertical. ‘ _Finally, I can leave_.’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka wakes up to find himself in the hospital, not dead.

Haruka awakens to the smell of disinfectant and harsh, artificial light. He also hears a faint beeping sound. He squints his eyes open and looks around the room. Clean. Very clean, Haruka notices. Once his eyes rest on the heart monitor, IV bag, and a bag that has a crimson liquid in it he feels a giant pit in his stomach. He looks down to see the bandages wrapped around his arms.

 “Why? I’m not supposed to be here!” Haruka wails and begins sobbing uncontrollably.

He hears the door to his room slide in and hears footsteps approaching rapidly. But Haruka doesn’t look up as he starts to rip at the bandages still sobbing.

 “Haruka! Haruka calm down! You’re all right!” cried the nurse, desperately trying to calm his hands.

 “I’m not supposed to be here anymore! Why did you bring me here? I just wanted to escape from the emptiness” Haruka wailed again.

 The nurse quickly put a syringe up to his IV and administered a sedative.

“Haruka, get some rest now, I’ll let the doctor know when you wake up and you and him can talk about this.” Haruka could barely hear the end of the nurse’s sentence before he drifted off into a troubled sleep.

 

 He woke up the next day sunlight splayed out on his face from the open window. He should have been able to feel the warmth from the rays, but all he felt was despair sending chills through his body. Today he was too tired to try and tear the bandages off of his arms, so he just stared at them.

The nurse walks into his room and Haruka looks up at her.

“Are you feeling any better today Haruka? You look more calm now. Don’t worry you’re safe here” the nurse tells him, “I’ll go let the doctor know that you’re awake.”

In response Haruka just looks down at the bandages, a little damp and a little crimson. The nurse exits the room before flashing a smile in his direction.

Haruka only waits a couple minutes before the doctor enters the room carrying a clipboard under his arm.

“Good afternoon Haruka, how are you feeling today?”

Silence.

“You don’t need to talk, but I would like you to listen to what I have to say. You know why you’re here today so I won’t mention it. We can’t just let you go the way that you are. We’re also going to perform a couple of tests on you today as well. Can we get started?” The doctor asks. Haruka just nods.

 

Once the tests are over the doctor continues talking. “Alright Haruka, the tests are finished. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to prescribe you some antidepressants. These will be trial and error since different antidepressants work better for some or don’t work at all. So you’ll have to keep me up to date on how you’re feeling. Also, we’re going to have you attend group therapy. I know that it doesn’t sound like an enjoyable thing, but I believe that having and building connections with others in a time of need is very beneficial and can help you on your road of recovery. Group therapy is every Wednesday and Sunday, so you’ll be attending the one this coming Sunday. We are also going to keep you here for a while just to keep a watch on you and see how the antidepressants are working for you. Is this alright?”

“Yes. Would I be able to go home and get some clothes?” Haruka said quietly with other intentions in mind.

“I’m sorry Haruka, we won’t be able to let you leave just yet. The person who brought you in also brought some extra clothes for you a couple days ago. They’re in the dresser over there” replied the doctor as he pointed to the dresser near the door.

“Who brought me in?”

“I’m sorry, they didn’t want us to release that information.”

“Oh..” ' _Must have been Rin, he was the only one who could even get into my apartment._ '

The doctor said his goodbyes and left the room. Haruka looks out the big window to the right of his hospital bed. He can see the ocean from here. Haruka feels the burning on his arms that matches the burning in his eyes. He doesn't fight back the tears, so he lets them run. He stares out at the vast ocean while he cries silently wishing he was far away from this room; far away from life. "I'm so broken" Haruka sobs as he lays his head against the pillow, "so pathetic." And with that Haruka closes his eyes and tries to sleep. From the weariness of the past couple days and the wish to escape, it doesn't take long for Haruka to fall asleep. However, sleep was not an escape from his reality, in fact it was worse. Nightmares plagued him everywhere he went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading everyone! Hope you're enjoying the story so far.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day of group therapy. What is everyone's story?

Haruka wakes up early on Sunday morning. He groans as he sits up. Today’s the day of his first group therapy session. He still wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital just yet, but they granted him permission to the little smoking area outside. For this, he was thankful, God only knows how much he needs a cigarette. So Haruka grabs his pack and his lighter and begins walking down the hallway. Not so much as looking up except when he reaches the elevator. Quickly stepping into the elevator he pushes the ground floor. Once the elevator jerks to a stop at the bottom, Haruka steps out, not surprised when there is only a few nurses around. Finally he’s outside, shocked he’s not the only one out here this early in the morning. He just sighs and walks over to an empty bench and grabs a cigarette and lights it taking a large drag before slowly breathing the smoke out of his lungs. He closes his eyes and breaths in the early morning dewy smell. He hears footsteps coming closer. Ugh.

“Hey, um, sorry to interrupt your silence, but I smoked my last cigarette so I was wondering if I could bum one off you.”

Haruka looks up at the man about his age, maybe slightly older. He had olive-brown hair and green eyes. His lip ring shining gently in the morning sun.

“Um, sure.” He responds and gets one out of his pack for the man. Unfortunately, the man sits next to Haruka, his solitude interrupted. He wasn’t uncomfortable, but he still just wanted to be alone. He starts on his second cigarette and starts scratching at his bandages. 

He senses the man next to him get up. He looks over as the other starts talking. “Thanks for the cigarette, see ya!” the brunette said before he walked off towards the building.

Haruka finishes off his second cigarette slowly to allow the other man plenty of time to get ahead. Once he finishes he starts making his way back towards the building as well.

He finally arrives back at his room, grabs a glass of water, and plops onto the bed. He really didn’t want to go to this group therapy session and he really just wants to go home. The doctor told him they’d keep him until next Friday. Just five more days. It was pretty boring, just sitting around the room, listening to the doctor whenever he came to his room to check up on him. He mainly listened to music and sketched some crappy drawings on some paper the nurses so kindly brought him. He still has 2 more hours before the group therapy session. ‘ _Maybe I’ll sleep some more_ ’ Haruka thought to himself. And so he settles down on the bed and quickly falls asleep.

Haruka is awoken to one of the nurses gently shaking him.

“Hng, what time is it?” Haruka asks sleepily.

“Time for you to get going to the session, I’m here to walk you to the room. Are you ready to go?”

Haruka slips his shoes on and grabs his phone and cigarettes before following the nurse out of the room. She leads him to the elevator and pushes the ground floor button.

“Both the Sunday and the Wednesday sessions will be in the same room, the doctor would really like you to attend both, at least for a while.”  _Ugh_ , is all Haruka thought. Why was all of this happening to him, he was supposed to be dead.

The nurse stops outside a room and gestures to Haruka signaling that this was the room. He takes a deep breath before opening the door. When he steps inside, he’s a little shocked to find only one open chair and the rest being filled with people around the same age as him. He did a quick survey of the people, the majority of them had their heads down looking at their hands. One person, however, was looking up at Haruka as he entered. The same man that bummed a cigarette off of him early this morning. Haruka looks down as he walks to the open chair in between a short, blonde guy and a taller, blue haired guy. It doesn’t take long before the therapist walks into the room. She walks over to the seat at the tip of the oval shaped circle and sits down quietly.

“Good morning everyone, I’m Amakata Miho, I recognize some of your faces in here today, but we have a lot of new members joining us. Don’t think of me as a therapist, think of me as a friend. We are all here to recover from whatever it is that is making us feel this way. Just a few years ago, I was sitting in your seats. So I know that this is a scary experience for everyone. We won’t be pushing you, but you will also need to open up to be able to begin your healing process. So to start off for today, I would like everyone to tell us your name and why you’re here today. It doesn’t need to be your entire life story, just a little statement.” She looks to the women to her left and tells her to start. Haruka only half pays attention, glad that he was further to the right of the therapist, so it’d be a while before he had to say anything. Haruka looks up as he hears a slightly familiar voice. It was the man from earlier.

“Um, hey, Tachibana Makoto, PTSD, abuse for 15 years.” he said quickly and sat back down in his chair. How long had Haruka zoned out? There was now only 2 people to go before he was up. Shit. Next was the blonde haired guy.

“Hello everyone, I’m Hazuki Nagisa. I’m here today because I’m a recovering drug addict.” He said chirpily despite the words of what he just said. He sat back down and returned his gaze to his lap.

 _Shit_ , it was Haruka’s turn. What should he say? Well here goes.. “Nanase Haruka, tried to kill myself” and he abruptly sat back down as soon as he said it.

“Um..Ryūgazaki Rei, severe anxiety” the blue haired man to Haruka’s left said so inaudible that Haruka had difficulty hearing him.

Once everyone finished telling the rest of the group their name and their backstory, the therapist continues talking. “Okay, good, now we’re going to take a few minutes to share contact information with everyone. I know it may seem like a hassle, but it’s needed. Especially if you are in a bad place and need to call someone to come over. So get to it!”

Haruka doesn’t move from his seat at all, he just wants to sink into the floor and disappear. The blonde haired guy, Nagisa, turns to him to exchange numbers. Once that is done, Nagisa goes over to Rei. Rei, after a lot of pushing, relinquishes his phone number to both Haruka and Nagisa, they give him theirs. Then, there’s that man in front of him again, Makoto.

“Hey, thanks for the cigarette this morning, I really needed it to calm down, was having one of my episodes. I didn’t expect to see you in here to be honest with you. I’m Tachibana Makoto. Wanna exchange numbers?”

“Yeah, um, sure. I’m Nanase Haruka.” He grumbles and exchanges his information with Makoto.

“Alright everyone! Have we gotten at least a few people’s numbers? If so, we’re going to call this a day. See everyone on Wednesday!” Miho said as she dismissed everyone and began folding up the chairs and storing them away.

Haruka desperately needs a cigarette. He grabs his pack out of his pocket and walks to the smoking area where a majority of the group has moved to. No one really talking to each other. Just standing there in silence as they dragged on their cigarettes. Haruka quickly lit his own cigarette and took a deep drag and held it there for a bit before releasing it into the air.

“Hey, here.” Haruka turns sharply at the sudden voice to see Makoto holding out a cigarette to him. “It’s repaying for the one you gave me this morning, I quickly went out and bought some after I left.”

“You’re so lucky you can leave…” Haruka mumbled.

“What’d you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Hey listen, I have to stay here for a couple of days since I’ve been having some pretty bad episodes lately, would you like to come to my room and order some pizza? I know we barely know each other, but hey, it beats hanging out with the overly happy nurses.” Makoto suggests to Haruka. Haruka looks up at the taller boy. He looks genuine about the offer so Haruka just nods in silent agreement and goes back to smoking his cigarette.

“Cool, how about around 6?” after a nod in response from Haruka he ends the conversation, “My room is 201. See you later then” and walks back towards the building.

‘ _I guess it is better than hanging around those nurses. They’re just too damn happy all the time_ ’ Haruka thought as he dropped the cigarette butt to the ground and scuffed it out with the heel of his boot. And so at 6 o’clock, Haruka is standing outside room 201.

He raises his hand to knock at the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading, sorry I'm really bad with the summaries and notes haha.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave any comments on what you think so far! Should be posting soon.


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